Self-love is not selfish

I used to think that positive affirmations were dumb. Surely a winner knows he’s a winner; he doesn’t need to stand in front of the mirror and declare victory to himself! That just sounds egotistical and arrogant.

But then I realized that I was already repeating phrases to myself without noticing that they were much crueller ones.

I had confused self-love with self-admiration, believing that only strengths deserve appreciation. Complimenting someone for their strengths is admiration, but loving them means embracing their weaknesses.

Thus self-love is not selfish, because you are cherishing your flaws and building gratitude for your limitations, rather than trying to hide them, fix them, or put yourself above others.

The essence of love is to choose to love someone because they are weak, not because they are perfect.

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My best explanation of the “immigrant mentality” is that as an immigrant, your basic right to exist depends solely on how much value you create for other people.

But what if you were allowed to exist without needing to provide anything to anyone else? What if you were worthy of existing without needing to be useful?

You can’t force anyone to love you, so it’s easier to try to win their respect instead. But this respect is not unconditional. If you can’t accomplish anything impressive, then you would be worthless, and easily discarded.

Without self-love, you’d need to prove that you’re worthy of respect, or else you will be abandoned.

What’s the point of accomplishing anything if it’s not to impress anyone?

The simple answer is that you would then be free to accomplish things for their own sake, to take joy in a job well done. It would be more effective anyway to do things that matter, rather than trying to climb a ladder for social status, not to mention more rewarding to shape the world into your vision.

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Self-love is hard because if you let go of your need for praise, would you be satisfied with your own gentle loving instead?

When we do something kind for others, we get to experience their joy, their surprise, their gratitude, the warmth in their eyes, their smile, maybe even their tears of appreciation.

But when we do something kind for ourselves, it’s like performing to an empty theatre. There’s no applause, no gasps of delight, no external validation that what we did mattered. Was it even real? Or just a dream?

I think the act of loving is one of the hardest things that a person can do, because you’d have to choose to do it even when you receive nothing in return, not even a reaction.

When you love a family member you’d take care of them even if they were in the hospital in a vegetative state without any possibility of reciprocation. No smile, no thank you—you’d do it simply because you love them, because they deserve dignity and care regardless of their ability to acknowledge it.

Can you do the same for yourself?

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