Being loved is a burden
To be loved is a burden, because when someone loves you, you itch to reciprocate, but you cannot, as you are loved unconditionally, so there is nothing you can give back in return.
Thus you feel puny and helpless, because it an unwelcome reminder that you are not in control. Your life is in the hands of someone else’s benevolence. What if your lover abandons you?
It’s safer to freely give your love. That’s why it’s so easy to fall in love with a narcissist—even though they won’t love you back, at least you stay in charge because they need your attention. It’s less painful to write love letters to nowhere than to wait staring at an empty mailbox.
When we entered this world, our parents gave us everything—but it is impossible for us to ever repay them, so we feel guilty for existing. Deep down, we feel that we are not deserving of love, as it’s incomprehensible that someone would just love us for… no reason at all.
For a long time I felt frustrated that I couldn’t find someone who wanted to love me with the same amount of burning affection I wanted to give them, but then I realized that I had it all backwards—it’s not being loved that I yearned for, but the control.
To receive love, we have to give up our independence and trust that our lover will still be there, embracing us in our most downbeat and vulnerable state. To appreciate and enjoy the warmth we receive from the sun instead of trying to return its rays with a flashlight.
When you’re not comfortable receiving, your partner does less for you. Even if they can and want to do more, they sense your discomfort and don’t want to scare you away by being too intense.
Being loved is a burden because in the beginning our partners are not good at loving us yet, so when they fail to love us the “right way” we become disheartened and think “I knew it, I wasn’t deserving of love to begin with”. Did we make a mistake by relinquishing control?
But instead of leaving the bedroom door halfway ajar with the light spilling out invitingly, we shut it tight and then become incredulous that they have the audacity to knock.
The greatest gift we can give to someone is not to love them, but to gladly welcome the burden of having to accept their love.
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